Summer Begins

“Ella es una trollop.” She rolled her eyes. “Usted no sabe su.” Her brother said lazily, eyes glued to his comic book. You could tell he was getting a bit annoyed. Ham shifted in his seat. I saw him open one eye in my rearview mirror. “Importa? Ella no está con nosotros este verano.” “Mantenerse fuera de este Hamilton.” She did her Popeye look. “Él habla de la verdad,” Scooter muttered. Scoompi noticed me watching them in the rearview. The missus was next to me, gently snoring. She shook her head. “Hal tatakallam al-lughah al-'arabīyah?”, Scoompi turned to Ham. “Na'am, qalīlan.” He pushed his glasses up his nose. Scooter grunted. In unison, they asked, “Are we there yet?” Summer vacation.

The End

I awoke with a start.

“Haaaaaallllleeeeluiaaaaaaaaaaa…hallellulia…haa-laaaaay—looo-yaaaaaaa!”

The high pitched voice echoed throughout the house.

“Really?” I groaned.

“All children go through phases,” said the missus, snuggling under the covers.

“Lamb of Gaaaaaaawd! You take away the sins of the woooooooorld…have merrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrcy ooooooon us…”

There was a knock at our bedroom door.

“She’s interrupting my morning prayer,” muttered my son after I answered, “Come in!” He looked suspiciously sleepy for one who supposedly had been prostrate upon a rug, praying.

“The Loooooooooooooooooooord…be wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiith you!”

“It is…a bit…loud,” I admitted.

“I believe in religious freedom,” my son said, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. “This, however, is a bit much. We’re going on two weeks now. You two have to DO something.”

Mothers are civilized. Fathers are usually rather determined, wealthier versions of children. Not that much wealthier. Face it, though. Being a Dad is like being a big kid who has a bunch of responsibilities. Your logic, however, is still sometimes that of a kid.

Which is why I was thinking of a modern day crusades between my two offspring and giggling evilly.

“What,” my son said with a hint of malice, “is SO funny?”

“Haaaaaallllleeeeluiaaaaaaaaaaa…hallellulia…haa-laaaaay—looo-yaaaaaaa!” Scoompi shrieked, before I heard the bathroom door open. There was another knock at my door.

“Come in,” I said wearily.

My eight year old walked in, her head covered and a peaceful, beatific smile on her face.

“Is my wimple straight?” she asked innocently, doing a 360 so we could all get a view of the kerchief covering her head.

“I’m in favor of girls covering their head,” Scooter began, “but Allie, this early morning singing has GOTTA stop.”

Scoompi turned her face up towards her brother. “Jesus doesn’t like it when you say things like that. I was going through my early devotions.”

“Jesus,” Scooter exhaled, “was JUST a prophet. A GREAT prophet…but a prophet…he is dead. The government executed him after political pressure from his own people…he cannot hear you sing nor is he hating ANYONE…the Mosaic faiths…”

“Wait,” I said, putting up a hand and sitting up in my bed. How the missus could lie through all of this, snoring is beyond me. “Get ready for school. Both of you. I don’t want to hear any of this right now. Get out of here, Scooter, you get dressed, and Scoompi, you…go do…I dunno. Little nun things or something. Just get out of my room.”

Scooter left, shaking his head. Scoompi smiled and said gently, “And with your spirit,” and backed out.

“There are convents you can send her to NOW, y’know!” my son threw over his shoulder.

“Jesus loves you, Heathen,” Babygirl said sweetly.

Only in my house.

Three weeks prior, Scoompi had come home with yet another parent note, which meant yet another detention. She was accumulating quite a file in the office, but what worked in her favor was that every teacher in the building found her adorable.

Except one.

Tired of waging an uphill battle, of being referred to as “Big Booty” and having her credentials as a nun and an educator questioned, Sr. Mary Tamika went on the offensive. Straight up and down, black and white. If it was a broken rule, no matter how arcane, no matter how innate, Scoompi was written up for it. It was awful, because apparently, even other teachers were viewing all of this discipline as an unfair singling out of a little girl that, in their classrooms, was as sweet as pie. Sympathy didn’t help, however. Scoompi was running on a week straight of recess detention when she came home one day, that familiar glint in her eye, and told me, “Daddy, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. They better be careful, though. They may not want me as a member in their club.”

I was drafting a letter to the secretary of Indian affairs, so I grunted in assent, “Go get ‘em, Babygirl.”

Since then, Scoompi had been Super Catholic. It was amusing at first. Then it was a bit off putting.

It was now crazy.

My house constantly reverberated with prayers, off key hymns and Jesus talk. I understand that at school, my daughter had become a model student in religion class, praying louder than anyone, always raising her hand, and making it known that her goal in life was to become a nun. She had taken to holding prayer circles with friends and quizzing Sr. Mary Tamika regularly on vows, holy orders, and the like. It was like living with a zealot.

The Missus served catfish one night, only to be told, "JESUS kept KOSHER!"

My son’s interest in the faith of his grandparents grown exponentially since his sister’s conversion to Fanaticism. Something would have to quit. I felt like I was in the middle of some religious experience that may or may not have been rooted in something sincere.

After school that day, Ham came over wearing a hooded brown cloak over his play clothes. He had a rope tied around his waist in place of a belt.

“Hey, Ham!”

“H’lo, Sir.” He adjusted his glasses.

“Hmmm…what’s with the rope?”

“Scoompi says I have to wear it. I’m studying to be a father in a religious order.” He looked more like a Jedi knight in training.

Babygirl walked downstairs. “Not a father…a brother. Priests are in charge of nuns. We’re not ready for that yet. One of the things I have to work on. You will be Brother Hamilton. More equality that way.”

I shook my head. Ham shrugged and they went off to play outside.

When Ham’s mother picked him up, I stuck my head in her car window and patted her Afro.

“You are like a large three year old,” she laughed. “You and Ham always do that. Leave my hair alone!”

I patted again. Faith laughed and said, “Hey, you know I’m on the committee for the fun fair. I need volunteers Doc. Can I count on your help?”

I cringed. I didn’t mind writing tuition checks, and helping out around the church was fine too. The fun fair, however, was always a zoo. All of the school kids outside, on the last day, pretty much exempt from punishment, hopped up on sugar, live music, a dunk tank, baked goods, ice cream and the like.

Then again, with child number one finding himself in another faith, and child number two being the poster child for “Convents R Us”, this might be a good year to help out. I could then use that as leverage in the years to come when I need to beg my way out of helping.

“C’mon, Man,” Faith said, picking out her natural. She shot me a sly look.

“Your girlfriend agreed to be in the dunk tank this year. You know that means she’s gonna be in a swimsuit…”

Even if Sr. Mary Tamika wore one of those long sleeved, two piece numbers from the turn of the LAST century, the combination of her and water was too good to pass up. Plus, with Babygirl on her best behavior, what was the worry?

Faith went on. “Yeah, she just agreed to do it. Like, yesterday. I guess she had some misgivings but said she’d been recently blessed with having a situation right itself. So she said it would be great fun.”

A light went off in the back of my head, but I ignored it.

“Faith?”

“Yeah man?”

“What do you think about, um, this whole, nun thing?”

“I was JUST telling Hamilton the other day that there are people in his class he will be friends with for life, and that I’d LOVE to see where they were in thirty years. Alexandra is one. Your daughter is SO…”

I let Faith ramble. We were good friends, and she loved my kids like I did hers. There was, however, a conspiracy afoot regarding this whole religious conversion, and it surprised me that she didn’t see it.

When they left, I sat Babygirl down for a heart to heart.

“Hey, Pumpkin. Good to see you,” I started.

“And with your spirit,” she said sweetly.

“You know, I’ll never get used to those changes…anyway, Babe…tell me…how’s the nun thing going?”

She smiled sweetly.

“I mean, you’re walking around with your head covered. You have poor Ham facing a life of celibacy and wearing a rope for a belt for a LONG time…is it worth it?”

I thought I saw a crack.

“Jesus loves you,” she said.

“Scoompi, I’m a bit worried…I mean, it’s a good thing to have faith, Baby, but do you think you are going a bit far?”

She smiled sweetly and said, “I will pray for you.”

“Something’s wrong,” I told the missus.

“Why?”

“The baby…”

“She’s NOT a baby…her homework is getting done, she helps around the house, she is obedient…I haven’t had to pop her in weeks now. I LOVE it.”

“Our child thinks she’s a nun…”

“It’s a phase…she will grow out of it. For now, I am enjoying the peace…”

I went to my son.

“Scooter?”

“Hey, Daddy.”

“Your sister?”

He stretched. “It’s a bit overboard, but you know what? Spirituality is a good thing. She will grow out of it. She’s been a lot mellower. After school, instead of running into me screaming ‘I LOVE YOU!’ she just walked up and smiled and says she hopes the Lord granted me a good day. Freaks K.O out, but I like this kinder, gentler Allie…”

“She is NOT ALLIE, NOR Sister Mary Alexandra…Scooter, listen…that is STILL Scoompi…remember the talent show? Soccer? How about ‘Bad Friday’? The geese thing when she was four?”

“Dad, Dad,” he stood, almost my height. He put a hand on my shoulder. “She’s growing up. You worry too much. Some people DO change…I’m praying in a while. Wanna join me?”

I took a rain check.

When she left for school the next day, I searched her room before heading to the office. Some parents think that’s an invasion of privacy. They don’t live with my Babygirl. Truth be told, my kids could be protected by the type of privacy that requires a search warrant to breach…as soon as their address differed from mine.

I found nothing. Some religious tracts (“Discovering Your Inner Nun”, “God Still Wants You, Even If the World Don’t”) but nothing to reassure me some conspiracy was afoot.

On fun fair day, I did a perimeter check. The block long lot surrounded by the school, rectory and church was more or less in order. The statue at the far end of Jesus talking to children was still on its pedestal. The teenage band was singing its heart out, loud but appropriate. Kids were milling around, enjoying cotton candy and other way too sugary treats. I worked the concession stand for about an hour and saw my son walking around with a young lady who was almost his height. She had straight, long black hair and his mother’s coloring. He sauntered over towards us.

“Hey, Dad…two lemonades…”

I looked from him to her. Him. Her. Her. Him.

“Who’s paying for this, Scooter?”

He laughed this patronizing laugh while shooting me the eye of sudden death.

“Of course, I am. Did you think I’d make a lady pay?”

“No,” I sighed, “I thought you’d make ME pay. Here you go,” I handed over the lemonade and his change. I gave him a “Who’s this?” look.

“Oh, Dad, this is my friend Rachel. Rachel, this is my Dad, Dr….”

Before I could say, “Nice to meet you,” I spied Ham, in a brown hooded robe, sunglasses on, walking towards a group of other 8 year olds similarly attired.

How did I miss this?

“Oh, hi Rachel. That’s a pretty name.”

“Thanks,” she said, smiling. “Scooter always talks about you. He says you are doing research on Native Americans?”

“Uh, yeah, as a hobby.”

“We should talk sometime. I’d love to see what you’ve learned. I hear you’re a really well respected scholar…”

Well, the young lady had taste.

“Sure. Have Scoot bring you by anytime…Love to meet your parents…oops, kids, I got a line. I’ll see ya’ll around.” I reached in my pocket and found a bill. When I gave it to Scooter, I was disappointed to see it was a ten. I THOUGHT I had some singles…

“Have a good time kids!”

As they walked off, I heard her say, “I think that’s SO cute he still calls you ‘Scooter’…”

“Don’t humor him…”

The robed kids had disappeared. Father Mike drifted by and ordered lemonade.

“Hey, Doc,” he said. “Nice day.”

Just the man I needed to see.

“Padre,” I said, “look…this nun thing…Scoompi…”

He held up his hand. “I was going to talk to you about that. I know it may seem a bit much, but God speaks and works in strange ways. While her calling is early, I think, if it is a phase, she will grow out of it. I will say, this, though…I had a talk with Alexandra earlier today, and told her to really spend this summer thinking about whether she really wanted to devote her life to this duty so early, or if she wanted to work on being an 8 year old kid. I mean,” he spread his hands, “she has her WHOLE life ahead of her. I told her today to just be herself. God loves her just the way she is.”

I felt something sink inside of me. “Really? Do you know what you’ve done?”

“Been a priest for a while,” he said. “Seen a lot. Believe me, Doc, Scoompi? She’s a Godsend. But as the little girl who falls asleep in mass when my homilies or too long, or someone who questions why celebrate Jesus’ death, as opposed to his life, teachings and our salvation. Or who keeps certain clergy on their feet. Nope,” he drained his lemonade, “God made us all differently and uses us in different ways. I told her she’s a way better Scoompi than a clone of Sr. Mary Tamika ANY day…”

I wondered if he’d be saying that if he’d had the dream I did some months back, where she bombed the school.

“She’s gonna pull something,” I muttered.

“Shoot,” the tall priest grinned. “Me and Smith got a bet on just what it will be. Be seeing you around, Doc. Thanks for helping out!”

I completed my stint at the stand and walked around the lot. Temptation finally won out, and I sidled over to the dunk tank, where a smiling Sr. Mary Tamika sat in a black one piece swimsuit. Dry as a bone. Apparently, no one had dunked her.

She waved me over.

“Hey, Sister,” I said, trying not to stare. “Nice suit…”

“Haven’t worn anything like this in years,” she laughed her throaty laugh. “Doesn’t look bad, does it?”

My throat was tight. “Nope.”

She twisted on the little platform the suspended her above the water. “I don’t look fat, do I? I mean, shoot…I DO have a lot of, ah, junk in my…”

“You look great, Sister,” I squeaked. “You’re kinda…dry…” I hated the way that came out.

“I know,” she laughed. “Most of the kids have lousy aims. The mothers, too, though they try harder. The fathers who come by don’t even try. One just stopped by, looked and put his money in the box, saying he got what he paid for.”

We both laughed.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a bunch of robes converge on the band. Then I heard an electrified version of “Halleluiah” and I was torn between leaving Sr. Mary Tamika vulnerable and rushing the stage.

“She’s baaaaaack!” the nun hummed happily.

“Hey ya’ll,” piped up a familiar voice.

There was a roar from the crowd.

“It’s OK,” Sr. Mary Tamika said softly. I’ll never know whether it was planned or just a child’s changing of her mind. It was quiet for a while, though…”

“…I guess that I just gotta be meeee!” she sang.

“Yeah,” I said.

The bass began pounding out a familiar tune. The guitars were wailing.

“Aaaaah…shot the sister…but ah didn’t shoot the priest you see…oh, no no!”

I saw Mr. Smith hand Fr. Mike some money.

“All around, in my school town…they trying, to track me down…they say dey wanna bring me in guiltee…for da soaking of Sistah Mary Teee…for da soaking, of Sistah Mary Tee…and ah say…” she was singing and doing her dance on the platform with the statue. Somewhere Bob Marley was laughing in revolutionary camaraderie.

While Sr. Mary Tamika and I shared a laugh, we failed to notice the group of young people in brown robes were setting up a tripod a few feet from the dunk tank. As the guitarist went into a solo on “I Shot the Sheriff”, Babygirl ran through the crowd, slapping hands and doing her dance as kids chanted, “Scoompi…Scoompi…”

She stopped in front of the tank and I saw Alex and another boy hoist a large tube onto the tripod.

“Shit,” I said.

‘What?” the nun said.

“She’s sighting!” I dove for the ground just as the bean bag shot from the gun and hit the paddle. Sr. Mary Tamika, a smile and a look of surprise on her face, was above the water one minute and in it the next. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mr. Smith hold out his hand happily as father Mike returned the bills he’d just been handed. As the paddle reset itself, and the nun, dripping wet, tried to haul herself on it, another bean bag fired and she sank into the water again. Mothers in the crowd cheered.

Scoompi sprinted back to the microphone, “I want to close this year out, by thanking all of ya’ll that helped make this a good year. Fr. Mike, Mr. Smith, my big brother Scooter, his best friend K.O, ALL the football and baseball team, and put some folk on notice: that tramp my brother now likes and most of all, Big Booty herself, Sr. Mary Tamika! I got ya’ll! I WILL be back!”

Ham ran up to the tank.

“Sir,” he said, “do you think we can convince Mr. Smith to give us just one more chance? Next year is a NEW year, after all!” He adjusted his glasses and ran off as one of the mothers, sighting down the tube, let another bean bag fly. Sr. Mary Tamika hit the water again. Other mothers lined up, twenties in hand.

First Day Back

“Hey! You gotta go back, back, back to school again.
You won't see me 'til the clock strikes three;
you’re gonna be there 'til then...
You gotta go back, back, back to school again.
Oh, no! You gotta go…back to schooooool….again!”

“Please don’t sing,” the missus said, throwing her head under the covers.

I jumped out of bed.

“Temptations Babe! From the Grease 2 soundtrack!”

“Did anyone outside of your family see that movie?”

“Dunno. Anyone who had OnTV when it came out…I don’t care…”

I opened our bedroom door, grabbing a metal pot and wooden spoon I’d brought upstairs just for this purpose, and sang my chorus over and over as I walked through the hallway, poking my head in my children’s doors. My son mimicked him mother, throwing his covers over his head.

I got through two verses and a chorus in Babygirl’s room before she acknowledged me, rolling over, glaring at me with one eye open.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”she muttered, rolling over and sitting up.

“You gotta go back…”

“DADDY! Please stop singing that stupid song! Why are you so happy? You are a teacher. You have to go back too!”

“University doesn’t open for another week! You gotta go back, back, back to school agaaaaaain! Oh, no, YOU gotta go…back to schoooool….” My banging was so on point, Lenny Kravitz would hire me any day now.

She groaned again and flopped back on her bed.

“I’ma go warm up the car. Baby, you should be happy to go to school,” I said. “Wait! No car! Take the bus today! Travel with the plebes to get an education. Take advantage of what the school and board are offering you.”

From under a pillow, I heard a high pitched voice pipe up, “In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

I stopped banging my pot. “That’s pretty good. Hannah Montana?”

She groaned again. “Twain. Someone should sue your department for misappropriation of tuition…It’s the first day back…can we stay home? Half of the kids will be out…none of us are learning today…” I began banging on my pot again.

I saw Scooter in the hallway, headed to their bathroom. “Cheer up!”

“Oh, I’m good,” he said. “Between English Masters’ camp, football camp and basketball practice, I’ve seen school for the last two weeks. No shock for me.”

“Killjoy,” I muttered as he padded to the shower.

During breakfast I kept singing and smiling as they worked their way through their sugar less oatmeal, prepared by Moi. The missus wanted to get up and make them breakfast to celebrate the first day back, but I begged her to enjoy her rest and won her over by promising to make a nice, hot breakfast.


“This oatmeal is LUMPY!” my babygirl wailed. I grinned with pleasure.

“And cold,” my firstborn muttered.

“You be OK,” I said, still whistling my tune. “Hurry now, I want rooms clean and beds made before you leave. Perhaps we will have you fold some laundry…”

She glared at me. “Did you ever think about what happens if you push people too far?”

I watched them board the bus and settled in to read our local magazine’s annual list of the most powerful. Again, I wasn’t on it. More humorous was the list of most powerful ex-natives were almost all located in the nation’s capital, and all of them were people of color. I decided to once again write the magazine and threaten to cancel my decade long subscription. Surely I had more clout than a wide receiver. And the president of the teachers union? When teachers were failing the basic skills exam numerous times? The same test I aced hung over? I had more juice than her. Right?

I relaxed for a while and realized the kids had a half day. The missus was still knocked out, so I punched the volume down when I put on the late morning news.

“…south suburban parochial school, where students have begun revolting, naming their movement “The Students’ Winter” and taking matters into their own hands…cut to live footage of the 50 year old institution being stormed…”

I had a sinking feeling in my gut as I reached for my keys and floored it up the road.

Police barricades forced me to park a block away, but I saw the smoke. I ran towards it, bumping into a solid figure wearing a ski mask with eyeglasses over it. In each hand, the fireplug held bottles filled with clear liquid, ignited cloth rags coming from their neck…

“Sorry Sir!”

“Ham? Is that you?”

“No! “came the hollered response as he hurled each bottle with all of his might at the school. They impacted and exploded, sending towers of flames with a loud “Whoosh!” I groaned.

I heard young voices chanting, saw the signs. As I got to the front door, it flew open with a bang as Mr. Smith, supporting a dazed looking Father Mike, stumbled out. The priest mumbled, “I never believed it could happen here,” and passed out.

Where were my kids?

I made my way in the building, flinching as trash cans came through the window. I went to the main staircase and stopped when I heard two voices.

“I can’t follow you on this…”

“I’m not asking for your help. Just have my back.” The quiet voice was all too familiar.

“I won’t help you hurt anyone. I’m not…”

“Just don’t let anyone hurt me.”

“Why?”

“The movement must survive.”

I stepped out of the shadows and saw my kids. Scooter had on his football uniform, as did KO and a few other friends.

My daughter was in her fatigues, sunglasses, and had a samurai sword in her little hand.

“Go now,” she said. “I have a date with destiny…Mourn not for me. I can sense her. She is here. Big Booty’s time is done... I might not get there with you, but we will see the promised land.”

“Kiddo, you are SO on punishment,” I said sternly.

“Daddy you will deny me before afternoon drive time radio starts today…” To Scooter, “Remove him as you save the teachers. I don’t want them hurt. GO. I must face her…alone. Power to the people!”

“I am SO not getting a new Xbox game after this,” Scooter muttered as he clipped orders to his men. Scoompi shook her head.

She then bounded up the steps. KO and two offensive tackles grabbed me and moved me outside. More Molotov cocktails were being hurled at the school, and I overheard a news reporter say into his microphone, “…it is confirmed the rebels are destroying the school and have taken over the rectory as their base of operations…the plan was to notify parents but the operations began with the bombing of the school office, so all records have been destroyed…police are unsure as to how to handle the crowd of violent youth, for obvious reasons. The fact that that this is an integrated student body makes the threat of the use of force one, frankly, without any teeth...This leaflet with this photo has been distributed…apparently, it is the leader of the uprising…as you can see, it is a very small woman, experts says she is about twenty, in fatigues, dark glasses and sunglasses, sitting in a rattan chair with a spear in one hand and a rifle in the other…Her name, they say, is…wait…this apparently is Libyan…my translation is coming through…Scump-Eye, which, in Farsi, means “All Seeing and Knowing Though My Hair is Not Done”…It should be noted, the church has not been touched, and all teachers are being evacuated by students…Look!”

On the roof of the school, clear as high definition television, were two figures engaged in vicious combat. One was small and bright, the other tall, solid and dark, her head covered in nun’s headgear, otherwise clad only in a black camisole and high heels. The smaller one spun, kicked, parried…the larger one blocked, threw and flipped. The battled raged as the horde of kids began chanting and swaying. I saw footballers help the last of the teachers down the steps and heard a rocket “whoosh” by.

The figures of the roof stumbled at the blast, but otherwise continued their battle. Now they had swords, light glinting off the blased. Another rocket flew by, and then, in formation, lines of kids twenty abreast marched in like the invasion of the Jedi temple…

“Him!” I heard a woman shout. “He was with them! He knows them!”

I said, “Excuse me?” as policemen, finally happy to have someone they could confront, pulled billy clubs from their belts and advanced on me with sick smiles. One wound up like he was throwingout the first White Sox pitch of the season.

“What the hell? I don’t even know…” Another rocket whooshed by, this one coming from inside of the building. The distraction was all I needed. I ran.

As I looked over my shoulder, I saw the little figure on the roof take a final swipe at the taller one. The black camisole fell. The smaller one stamped on it, then jumped from the roof to the ground, with legions of kids yelling, “Scoom-Pee! Scoom-Pee!”

“Isn’t that her father?” I heard a woman say.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about!” I shouted as I ran for my car.

Just as I got the door open, KO’s mom ran up. “What did your little girl touch off now? Although I’m proud of her. Black women can lead revolutions too…Too bad she’s got men involved…I mean, the bombing of a school is OK if a female does it…proves we’re strong, and can do more than just gripe…but why have males involved?”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about…” I yelled as I started my car. I punched the radio.

“This is the Governor of talk Radio and it’s 3’o clock. This afternoon we have an interview with a little lady that we think is just great…She is going to turn her recently bombed school into a Native American casino…Hello, Scoompi, my dear…”

I wept.

“Hoi…I just want to say...I have control of all the guns and all of the money...I can withstand confrontation from within and without...is that clear, Comrades?”

I hit a wall.

“Honey? Honey?”

I rolled over.

“Hmm?”

“It’s the kids first day back…Can you get them up?”

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

“Oh, hell no.” I buried my head under the covers. “It’s the first day back. Just let them…I dunno. Stay home or something. It’s the first day. Nobody’s gonna learn anything.”

I heard a high pitched voice yell through the walls, “Thank You Daddy! The Revolution loves you!”

Soccer

“I think we should put the baby in soccer,” was how it started.

I was in bed reading a Catholic newspaper. Father Soul was looking at being punished by the Archbishop if he did not accept his reassignment from his beloved Parish of St. Junebug. A group of Black Catholics was angry they were receiving less support from the archdiocese than similar sized parishes of other ethnicities whose collection numbers were not as strong. A priest was being sued for alienation of affection. Apparently, he ran off with a married woman who was the secretary of the school where he pastored the parish, and the soon to be ex-husband was not the happiest. I wondered if that still made him a priest. I wondered how alimony would work. It’d be hard enough to have to move out of a house I paid for so my wife could move in with her lover. It’d be worse if her lover had been under a vow of celibacy for a number of years prior. Wow.

So soccer was far from my mind.

“Does she even want to play?” It was a dumb question to ask. Kids get too many choices. I realized, however, that a choice like this would cost a couple hundred bucks and add more running around to our schedule. Scooter was in football, Scoompi was in an art class, and both were in church activities.

“It would be good for this new aggressiveness in her personality,” my wife said.

I folded my paper. Putting my pint sized daughter in a contact sport might not be the best idea. Scoompi’s strength was in attitude and force of personality. At eight, she was a whopping 35 pounds and stood at the front of the school picture composite line. I’d seen little girls play soccer. They could be mean, and some of them were gargantuan. A couple were only questionably female.

There was a knock on my bedroom door. I did a quick check to ensure the missus was dressed and called, “Come in?”

Scooter strode in, in his practice football uniform minus his shoulder pads and cleats.

“Hey ya’ll, I was reading Muslim Journal, and guess what? Grandpa is in there!”

“He’s always in there Honey,” his mother said.

“Oh. I have to be at practice in an hour.”

“OK,” I replied. “Go fix you and your sister some oatmeal for breakfast. I’ll run you over. I guess now is a good time to break it to her she’ll be playing soccer.”

Scooter looked from his mother to me.

“Really?” he asked slowly. He shook his head.

“Bad idea?” I asked.

“You’re the parents,” he shook his head ruefully. “Daddy, this is as dumb as you thinking we could pass for Native American and get a casino,” he left the room.

“I’m still working on that!” I shouted after him, but I heard him on his telephone. “Salaam Alaikum! Guess who I saw in the Journal? Yeah, you didn’t tell me they were covering you…”

“Why is it when it’s a bad idea, it has to be mine?” I asked my wife.

“Dunno.”

“More importantly, why is it when he thinks an idea is bad, and it’s yours, but he accuses me, why don’t you clarify?”


“Dunno. Don’t you have to get him to practice soon?”

“Yeah. I smell a rat.”

“Love you!”

Suddenly there was a wail, and rapid knocks on our door.

“Scooter hit me with a comb!”

Her wail was suspect. No tears. Her lip was trembling. I stared hard and she started giggling.

I yelled my son’s name. he came lumbering up the stairs, a smile on his face.

“You hit your sister with a comb?”

“Yup.”

“She probably hit him first,” the missus said mildly.

“I didn’t hit him,” Scoompi wailed, “I TRIED to hit him; he took the comb and whacked me with it instead!”


Scooter, her mother and I looked at Babygirl in awe.

“Don’t rob any banks any time soon, Kid,” Scooter muttered as he trudged downstairs. “If you want waffles, c’mon! I gotta go to practice.”

“Yummy! Waffles!”

“Wait Babygirl,” I said. I explained, hesitantly, the soccer proposition.

I broke the news to Babygirl, who was receptive. “Soccer looks fun!” she exclaimed. After we dropped her brother, we spent the afternoon buying her cleats and shin guards, and a regulation ball that appeared larger than her entire body.

Later that week, I gave the kids instructions before they left for school.

“OK, it’s your sister’s first day of practice. Scooter, the park where Scoompi practices is down the street from the school. When you get done with practice, you and K.O meet us there. Scoomp, Hamilton will join us at practice and his mom will pick him up from there. I’ll give K.O a ride home when all’s done.”

“OK!”

That afternoon, Ham and I watched on the sidelines while my daughter and her new teammates ran drills up and down the park. The coach was one of the girls’ dads. He seemed young, enthusiastic and full of hope, so this was probably his first year coaching. Most of the girls on my daughter’s team appeared to be normal little girls, in size and demeanor, which meant they could probably count on getting clobbered.

“Sir?”

“Yes, Ham?”
“Why are they all smiling?”

“They’ve never played before, Buddy. They have no idea how this is going to be.”

“Oh.”

Practice ended a little early. I shot the breeze with the kids until I saw Ham’s mom pull into the parking lot.

“OK, Scout, Dill…time to split this party up.”

She screwed up her little face. “Who? Scout and Dill? What are we? Horses? Pickles? I swear, Daddy, I don’t know how they let you teach college and you can’t even get people’s names right. Who are Scout and Dill?”

“Find out. Let’s get ready to go.”

Scooter and his best friend, K.O, arrived as planned, Ham’s mom left with him, and I drove the kids home.

“I’m so excited about our first game!”

“Mmm hmm.”

“Uh, Sis?’

“Yeah?” she was literally bouncing all over the car.

“Don’t hope for too much, OK?”

“Whatever! Yay! We’re gonna make little ponytails out of the back of our jerseys, and that’s gonna be our trademark. Even our name is cool.”

Dare I ask? “What did you girls choose?”

“Powder Puffs!”

Oh.

That Saturday, as my wife sat in her camp chair, iced tea in her cup holder, Scooter, Ham and I paced the sidelines, anxious as if awaiting an execution. My little girls’ team took the field, doing back flips, running in place, little tufts of t-shirt held by Scuncis at each of their backs. “Powder Puffs! Powder Puffs! Powder Puffs!” they chanted.

Ham had tears in his eyes. Scooter’s jaw had a hard set and his mouth was a firm line.

The ref, a thin African young man who looked like a graduate student, came forward, index card in hand...

“Today’s match is between the Powder Puffs,” he said, squinting at the card in his hand, “and the…oh, they’re playing again this year, eh? The Pterodactyls.”

I looked down at my wife. When I turned my head I heard Hamilton gasp. I swear I heard my son groan, “Zarba!”

I turned around. A group of girls in green and black uniforms came on the field in formation, dribbling the ball between them. They were making some kind of screeching noise. Fathers on the other side of the field roared. Not one of those girls smiled. They took their positions on the field. Their goalie stretched. She had a wingspan like Michael Jordan.

The game was over quickly. I’ll give it to the Pterodactyls, they demonstrated sportsmanship. Once they had a secure fifteen point lead, they didn’t focus on scoring anymore. They just calmly accepted shutting us out.

Scoompi was a glutton for punishment. “It was the first game of the season! They were just a bit luckier than us. Hey, we’ll get ‘em next time…”

The next few times were ugly. Opposing players pulling our team’s shirt ponytails. Opposing coaches offering to reduce the number of players they had on the field to two to make it even. Opposing parents varying between downright rudeness and pure sympathy.

Our coach didn’t understand. His team was falling apart. The girls on the sidelines had long stopped watching the game, cheering on their teammates. They merely huddled in fear, waiting for the inevitable when a teammate would be injured to the point where they were carried (few walked) off the field and another sacrificial lamb had to take her place.

Girls were bumped, jostled, stepped on, pushed and outright manhandled.

And the ones who were near the ball really caught hell.

All that stopped outright team fight was the appearance of several of our football players at each game, their sisters part of the neighborhood team. Truthfully, I thought the girls were passing around the number for the Department of Children and Family Services and planning a class action abuse call of some sort.

The opponents weren’t just rough, they were rude as hell. I swear one tried to spit on one of our girls and only caught herself when her father said, “Samantha! Heel!”

After our most recent lost, poor Babygirl flung herself into the car and bawled her eyes out all the way home. I think her brother shed a tear for her as well.

Both kids stalked upstairs when we got home. I sat down with my wife, who’d had class that morning and missed the latest bloodbath.

“I don’t think this was a good idea,” I started.

“It’ll be over soon. The season is half done.”

“Not if you count the playoffs.”

My wife shook her head. “I’m not. You shouldn’t either. We are in no danger of making it to the playoffs.”

“True.”

We sat in silence for a while. She was about to ask me something when I heard voices through my heating grill. I assumed my normal position.

“What are you doing?”

“Listening!”

“When are you going to respect their privacy?”

“Honey, the day they write a mortgage check, Daddy will give them all the privacy he thinks they should have in his house. Shhh!”

“…I need your help.”

“Not sure I can help, Sis. Hard work only accounts for so much in winning…And let's face it...ya'll stink on ice.”

“It’s not the losing that bothers me,” she said slowly. “It’s this getting punked every week. I can lose with no problem. Nobody said I’d go pro with this silliness. I won’t have a bunch of people bully me. I don’t like how my team isn’t getting their respect. I don’t want us to win…I just want us to not be treated so badly.”

“Really? Tell me the truth.”

“I want them to have to win harder. I want them…”

“I understand. You want to be like Saint Moses, The Black .” I could hear the pain in Scooter’s voice.

I shuddered. St. Moses the Black was a small school from a rough town in our area. Their athletic skills, from football to basketball to baseball, were nil. They had bad equipment and old, loud uniforms, and I swear half of their coaches resided in halfway houses.

The kids had heart, though. What they lacked in ability, they made up for in spirit. They regularly won a game or two by forfeit every season, but they were the most feared in the Catholic League.

St. Marcus the Black was the junior varsity equivalent of the 1989 Detroit Pistons. A team that even if you beat them, you came out so banged up you wondered if it was really a win. They didn’t take cheap shots. The team had too much honor for that. They just played hard, every game, every down, and literally took to heart the term “contact sport”. They got their respect as well. Our starters dreaded playing St. Moses, and with good reason. Your only indication of victory would be on the scoreboard. Those boys lost damn near every game but left the field each week with their heads held high.

“Done.”

“Yay! Thanks! Oh, it’s gonna be…”

“HARD. It’s gonna be hard. “

“How so?”

“There are some conditions.”

I could see her little eyebrow cock and her face contort.

“WHAT conditions?”

“For starters…you do what I say. I don’t care how stupid it sounds. I don’t care what your coach says. He wants to win. You want respect. You gotta get what I’m teaching before you can get what he wishes for.”

“OK.”

“And frankly, I’m tired of the name ‘Scoompi’…”

“Waiiit a minute…I don’t LIKE being called Aliwhosis…”

“I’ll call you something else…not your full name. But my sister is no Scoompi. Not to me. You want my help, you cease to be Scoompi or any derivation thereof to me…”

“Deal.”

“And you have to bury the hatchet with Sister Mary Tamika.”

“No.”

“You want my help?”

“Not that bad. I’ll suffer through the rest of the season.”

“Why?”

“Deal breaker, Big Brother. The other stuff, I’ll bite the bullet. Me and Big Booty? Got nothing to do with you.”

Pause.

“You hate her that much?”

“This isn’t about hate,” Scoompi said quietly. “You wouldn’t understand. You don’t have a nemesis. I need mine.”

More silence.

“Okay,” Scooter capitulated. “But agree to at least tone it down with her. This getting kicked out of religion class and whatnot? Time spent in detention will take away from time you need to work with me.”

“Fair enough. FOR THE SEASON ONLY. After that, Big Booty is mine.”

“We start now. Sr. Mary Tamika. Sister. Sister MT. No more Big Booty…”

“For the season…that’s all I promise.”

Groan. “Deal. A team is more than one person. You got teammates feel the way you do?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“When do we start?”

“Right now. My helmet and pads are in Daddy’s trunk. Bring them in.”

I heard her trundle downstairs and I scooted away from the grating.

“What they say?” my wife hissed.

I shrugged my shoulders.

The next week, Scooter’s little sister, her body tilted to the side, lugged his football equipment to and from the car for practice. Once home and done with homework, I didn’t see them for hours. I could hear them in the field in back of our house, and once or twice I spied some other little girls out there. I avoided that field like the plague. Some geese and I had had a run in there several years back.

Scoompi dragged in daily, but she never complained, just hauled herself upstairs to wash her grubby little self and down to supper. Before bed, she made sure his uniform was clean and ready for the next day. One day I caught her cleaning both of their cleats. He supervised. “What are you doing?” I asked.

Scooter all but ignored me. Scoompi glared and muttered, “Paying dues.”

I walked off, hearing my son say “Dirty equipment is useless equipment.”

They lost that weekend, but it was…different. For the first time, they played a team about their size and weight. They took their loss with stoic dignity, although the other team held off on the really insulting behavior. There was something different, though. Babygirl’s walk changed slightly as she walked off the field. I couldn’t place it at first, until I saw Scooter and the defense strut off field later that afternoon at his own game.

“Is he walking like his sister?” my wife asked with concern.

“No,” I corrected. “She’s trying to walk like him.”

“Oh.”

K.O and a couple of the other guys on our football squad hung around our place after school the next week. Once or twice I heard little girls yowl in pain from the field, but I kept to myself, and the kids said nothing to me save “Can I stay for dinner?” “Are you still buying this generic orange juice” or my favorite, “Any ice? No cup. A rag is fine.”

The night before the next game, Scoompi asked her brother, “You got an old jersey?”

“I do. Why?”

“I wanna wear it under mine at my game tomorrow.”

“Too big.”

“You got something I can wear? For luck?”

I couldn’t see his face, but I could tell by the way he said, “Shukran, Allie!” that he was touched. I heard him rummaging around in his room.

“Here are my football socks, I wore them in the last game,” he said.

“Geez, did Mommy wash them? I want respect. I don’t wanna knock ‘em out! Ow! My arms are sore from all those pushups! Don’t do that!”

“Wait…Allie?”

“Yep?”

“Gimme your soccer socks. I’ll wear them under my regulars in my cleats.”

“OK.”

I guess we were doing something right as parents, because I went to bed that night quite proud.

Scoompi came downstairs the next morning in her uniform. Scooters socks were way too big, covering her shin guards and doubled over they were still up to her thighs, under her shorts. She stood solemnly while her mom did her pony tail at the back of her shirt.

“Let’s go,” she said quietly.

This was a repeat team, the Cujos, one of the worst offenders when it came to insults and ponytail pulling.

Our coach didn’t look defeated, he looked spooked, like a deer in the headlights. His wife was rubbing his shoulders and pumping him with sports drinks and pep talks, still he looked as if he really wanted to cry. The Cujo coach was on the sideline, laughing with his girls and their parents.

More than half of our girls had this strange look on their faces. It wasn’t fear. It reminded me of looks you saw in newsreels and old video of soldiers in combat. I realized it was the eight year old equivalent of the thousand yard stare.

The coach came over, shaking like a leaf.

“Look, girls, I know we just want to play our best, play hard, but look…” he stammered, “if it looks rough out there, look, just lay down. I don’t want any more of you getting hurt. Just lay down,” he lay on the ground, “and curl yourself into a little ball.” He assumed the fetal position. “Like this,” his voice came out muffled.

Some girls giggled. The rest kept up with their stare.

“OK, girls, on three…one two three Powder Puffs!”

I swear, as they took the field, he was biting his nails. Scoompi settled into the goal area.

The game started innocently enough. Our skills were no match for theirs. But when they came downfield and made the final kick, Babygirl grabbed the ball. She didn’t roll it back out, however. She threw it with all of her might at the kicker’s head.


It was like a reenactment of the Zapruder film. A head snapped back, then forward, and a body hit the ground. The whistle blew and all of the girls on the field took a knee. It took a couple of minutes for her to come around, and she didn’t leave the field under her own steam.

The opposing coach got mad, but the ref refused to believe the Powder Puffs had intentionally hurt anyone. They’d been getting beat up all season. I noticed a couple of other girls had joined our thousand yard stare club.

We got the ball and as a Cujo defender stole it, she was body crushed between two flying third graders on our team. She didn’t go down, but the whistle blew and the girls took a knee again as she howled and was led off the field. The coach was angry again, but it just looked like a typical mix up on the soccer field.

So it continued. The Cujos scored a goal, only to have Scoompi again hurl the ball, this time at the head of the girl who was their defensive star. Not the scorer. She barely ducked but it took out their second best scorer. Later, there was a pileup of girls when they all went down, and I saw little elbows flying, but it would be hard to swear as to whose.

Soon, I realized that the girls spent more than half of the game taking a knee. The thousand yard stare was in full effect, with every girl on the team giving to the Cujos, player, coach and parents alike. The fact that our coach kept fretting like his pants were wet probably worked in our favor in terms of penalties called.

When the game ended, 1-0, Cujos, our girls were still staring. Our coach almost had a conniption. Cujo parents were taking an assortment of crying, bleeding and otherwise dazed little girls home. And Scoompi and her teammates held her head high. Parents looked like they wanted to say something, but we had as many fathers as they did, and our mothers, my wife included, turned a blind eye to whatever was happening.

“Girls! We need to practice! We’re losing the fundamentals! Girls?” Fathers on our team looked at him with disgust. The girls stared ahead.

The next weekend was the Squash cup, this multi game tournament held at the park. We were there by 8am for the first of three games. Luckily, we’d be done by noon. There was a Harper Lee conference at the university I wanted to attend.

The girls stalked on the field again, creepy thousand yard stares in full effect.

“Now girls,” said the coach, “we’re into sportsmanship…it’s not how we win or lose…”

They eyed him like he had two heads.

“We gotta go to work,” Scoompi said when he finished yammering.

The initial kick off was innocent enough. Again.

That was it.

The elbows, the body blows. I saw a log roll at one point.

There was no score. The other team left crying. Parents were glaring, and the Powder Puffs were pushing that steely glare.

The second game was against the Cyclones, the team that pulled out girls’ shirt ponytails in the past.

The Cyclones gave like they got, and by halftime we had a couple split lips and each team had a player carried off field in a stretcher. I bought a Gatorade and walked over to our side, where our coach was looking miffed and Scoompi was holding court.

“We got this,” she said. “We can take them. We are scoreless, but we got this. We are all in. Cmon, bring it in.”

It was like attending a séance. The coach was back to biting his fingernails. The whistle blew.

We dribbled up field, clustered as usual. The Cyclones attempted to pick us apart, but our girls remained bunched up, with the ball in the middle. The Cyclones tried to penetrate but got stiff armed. It was weird, but the biggest girl on our team broke out with the ball, chugged up field and kicked hard for the goal.

The Cyclone goalie grabbed the ball and launched it at our forward’s head. The impact knocked the spit out of her. She fell.

Then she got up, charged the goal and began pummeling the goalie with fists and feet. When she went down and one of her teammates tried to help her, my little girl flung herself at the other player. “Take a knee!” she hollered. Parents gasped. Fathers cheered. Scooter’s jaw dropped. Whistles blew. The teams took a knee, all eyes on my child.

“Yeah, this is really helping to calm that aggressive personality,” I said to my wife.

“Shut up.”

Our forward was ejected from the game. In the first display of emotion in three games, our girls cheered. Their goalie was replaced by a girl Scoompi’s size, who trembled from the moment she stood in the net.

We scored. The new goalie jumped out of the ball’s way like it was a charging rhino.

The game ended, and our girls again cheered. Then two men in jackets bearing the legend “Homewood Soccer League” came over, spoke to the refs, and then summoned each coach. When they were done, one held a megaphone to his lips.
“After reviewing the last two games today, league authorities have agreed to suspend the Powder Puffs for unsportsman like conduct from this Squash Cup. The victory still stands; however, the girls will forfeit the next game against the Pterodactyls. Get a grip on your kids people.” He glared at our side and stalked off.

“Well, I guess that’s that,” I said, happy to be leaving early. As my wife stood, I folded our camp chairs. Scooter was grinning ear to ear. Scoompi ran over to him.

“You did it Allie!”

“She did what?” my wife snapped. “Got disqualified?”

“They won, Mama,” Scooter said patiently. “They earned it. They went out there and played and did what it took to win.”

“I’m proud of you,” I said, scooping her up. She wriggled and I put her down.

“You’re proud of her? Because they won? Is that what it’s about? Winning at all costs? What are we teaching our kids?”

“MaaaMuh?”

“Yes, Alexandra?”

“I don’t care that we won. This wasn’t about that.” She looked up; her little face had a peaceful look, under all that grime.

“Then what, pray tell, was the big deal?”

One of the Pterodactyls walked up and fist bumped with Scoompi. “Sorry we didn’t get to play ya’ll. Maybe next year. Ya’ll got heart. Looking forward to it. Later, Scoomp…” she walked off.

“Nothing Mama. Just that I learned that nobody gives you anything. You gotta go out and get it. That is especially the case with respect.”

She hugged her mom’s leg and punched me. “C’mon, Atticus. Let’s go home. You too, Jem.”

She did her dance all the way to the car.